Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 16 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 10%
  • Publisher: 51%

Holiday Holiday Headlines News

Holiday Holiday Latest News,Holiday Holiday Headlines

ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits. “During this difficult time, we wanted to let Americans know we’re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment, which includes vanilla, peppermint, molasses, root beer, and many other great flavors,” read a message to struggling, unemployed Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard and signed by every member of Congress, with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky, fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice. “While we’ve been busy parasailing, scuba diving, and, most recently, watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s, we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home. That’s why we’ve drafted a proposal to purchase $100 million in sweatshirts that say ‘Lifeguard’ and ‘I run on island time’ from the store inside the resort we’re staying at. But for now, whether you’re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord, in the hospital, or sleeping under a bridge, we hope you’ll enjoy this little taste of the island life. Be careful, though: Ol’ [Sen.] Dick Durbin [D-IL] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy!” At press time, federal officials confirmed the funding needed to transport mail from St. Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service’s budget.\n

ST.

In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

MsAnthropissd Why How about a stimulus check instead?😡

Damn you guys got me this time, shit. I dunno, I read the headline and rolled my eyes and when I realized, it was all too late.

I wish!

Take your pick. Death by diabetes or death by kidney stones! 😂

Hope they didn't use USPS... And I really hope my box gets here before I get evicted 🙏

“feel free to choke on them.” Love, congress

I see your taffy, and in return, 5 lb bags of sugar free haribo gummies. Heheheh

This is too considerate. It will be an expired bag of those orange circus peanuts, from Dollar General.

Omg elaanfaun

It’s about dang time.

You mean the Republican controlled Senate. The House is coming back to cancel Postmaster General Louis DeJoy and return him to sender.

mrgipson 🤤

Sweet !

this would be objectively better than what they're actually doing

Awe... they actually do care☺️

Not inaccurate

And paper towels.

SJBSchu We don’t have healthcare! Our teeth will rot.

so funny... 😎

I wish ):

fake newd

I’ll take it

Haven't had any in years. PLEASE i want some

I am okay with Congress sending me Saltwater Taffy while they are vacation. However, each congressperson MUST send me a 5 pound bag per day they are on vacation.

I didn't get any

_cingraham I can’t believe Pelosi flubbed the optics so bad. Why did she let them leave in first place? Could have had the August newscycle to themselves. Republicans vacation while America gets evicted and loses extra UI.

That’s a fair trade

Susan_Hennessey 😂🤣

That would be better than the nothing that we did get

Look if the unemployed don't like saltwater taffy why don't they just buy 40 million boxes of other candy?

Sounds excellent

*paid* vacation

I’m down with this

Hope DeJoy didn't lick it 1st

Yo fucking send me that shit

JordanUhl LindseyGrahamSC SenatorTimScott You two refusing to help people struggling with COVID, the pandemic, & holding out on sending me my taffy?

Sweet

Susan_Hennessey Republicans are saying “Let then eat candy”. GOP HouseGOP SenateGOP Taffy won’t pay the bills.

AKAPrimulas The heroes we need 👍

It’s the thought that counts. 😌

Remember half of us will be evicted so we’ll never receive it.

Keep the mint flavored. Gimme the Peanut Butter!

AngelaLovesNY They sent me all black licorice flavor 🤢

Steve Mannequin-man announces the taffy 🍬 should last 10 weeks.

Well, it can be assured that USPS will lose it.

Do the boxes have a nostalgic beach scene on them? If not I’ll send it back.

Probably all black licorice flavor too.

Along with letters suggesting the unemployed consider trading Saltwater Taffy commodities on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.

That'd be more than they gave us now lol

My box must be lost in the mail. USPSsabotage

They're all from Nancy's dual pantries.

JordanUhl Hope they didn't send it through the Post Office.

Yo they better have got lemon-lime

Saltwater taffies 😋

Underrated treet

You guys have been on a roll of late.

The cinnamon ones make me wanna die

And then takes away their dental plans.

They're all bastards but I'm not mad anymore.

I've got nothing against this.

DUDEEEEEEEEEEEE

red_fisher 😂

Nice, what flavors?

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in HOLİDAY

Holiday Holiday Latest News, Holiday Holiday Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Congress Pauses Summer Vacation to Try and Do Something to Fix…Uh…………Everything?Congress’ horrendously timed summer vacay might be coming to an early close so that lawmakers can address literally any of the myriad simultaneous crises making our lives a living hell right now.\n legallybae What’s the deal with the Trump ads, though?
Source: Jezebel - 🏆 153. / 63 Read more »

Pelosi shortens House vacation to deal with Postal Service concernsBreaking: Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Democratic leaders will bring the House back in session this week to deal with recent concerns about the U.S. Postal Service, she announced Sunday evening Evictions? Anything? Hello?
Source: politico - 🏆 381. / 59 Read more »

7 Maldives Getaways To Plan Right NowThe remoteness of the Maldives makes it a prime destination for a socially distanced vacation. Good Read the room, . I’m guessing you scheduled this paid post before the oil leak? $2000 USD a night and that doesn't include the $100-500 boat or seaplane transfer to get to the resort lol.
Source: Forbes - 🏆 394. / 53 Read more »