I was on a Zoom call with several friends in Singapore. On my screen, I saw faces look at me expectantly. It was an innocent question. So why did I feel the urge to change the subject?Many people have asked similar things since I quit my job in Singapore and moved to California last year to accompany my husband while he does a master’s degree.
Other days, I’m punching my fist in the air when I get responses to networking e-mails or make progress on an online class. Little wins I can grasp and call my own. My experience has also been deeply coloured as a mother. As my visa does not permit full-time work, my husband and I agreed I would assume more childcare responsibilities for our daughter.
When talking to other expat partners, a recurrent theme is work. What we used to do. What we want to do next. Side hustles or career transitions we’re planning for. Research on expatriate families talks about “trailing spouse syndrome”, which is when the accompanying partner struggles mentally and emotionally from the relocation. It can manifest in isolation, loss of purpose, even depression.
I adore travel and soaking up new experiences. You can say I’m textbook millennial: Wanderlust in my eyes and a habit of oversharing travel photos. With such obstacles, the thrill of a new country wears off. You end up hemmed in, bored, trapped at home. Many activities, like exploring restaurants, are also less fun without friends.
After that, I forced myself to drive. This has been a gamechanger as I can venture out and do more in less time. Invisibility is not having an inbuilt social network like they do. I must be more proactive in finding friends or risk fading away.Research interviews with trailing spouses show how they feel cut off from the relocation process. Institutions which manage relocations – such as human resource departments – often overlook them and liaise directly with the employed partner. Consequently, spouses find it hard to obtain information about a seminal event that deeply affects their lives.
I volunteer at a homeless centre and museum. I also serve on the parent community group in my daughter’s school and recently led a school-wide volunteer activity to benefit at-risk children. For my efforts, I was invited to serve on the board of a non-profit. My hope in writing this is to highlight how we don’t simply deploy an employee oversees but a human being who exists in a family context. This means there may be two careers that need to be considered in a relocation. Unless companies only grant singletons international assignments.