One thing I’ve noticed since I ceased to drink; I have to always be on my guard. That doesn’t mean I can’t relax, but it does mean I need my antenna to be sharp. For example, if I order tonic water most people presume I said “gin and tonic”, just like when I order water with no ice or lemon, it invariably comes with both. Why? Because people are programmed; tonic means gin and tonic, water means with ice and lemon.
This outburst of mine had nothing to do with her but was coming from some deep-seated feeling that attending the funeral had resurfaced. I was still pretty shocked at my outburst when I got home and it was coming up to six o’clock. I desperately wanted a drink to drown out the hurt and humiliation I was feeling. I went to where the bottles of wine are kept and looked at them. I stared at the label on one of the bottles and just as I was about to reach for it, my brain started to function again.
I’ve had a birthday, the first since I stopped drinking. Another test I’ve passed. I feel I’m beginning to get used to not drinking. I’m still afraid to say, “I don’t drink” when asked: “what would you like to drink?” Instead, I just say water is fine. It is rare that the person offering the drink will immediately ask, “still or sparkling”? No, more often they will say, “oh, are you driving? But you can leave the car here and collect it tomorrow morning.
If I were to say, “I don’t drink”, I fear it’s making a statement, one which I’m not comfortable with yet. A strange thing has occurred when the song is over. Nothing has changed except my dopamine levels. They have surged. I feel great yet nothing was ingested
Life I hope some day you find the power, comfort and support within a recovery group. To be able to share your fears, joy, sadness and vulnerabilities without judgement within a group is a precious gift that keeps us healthy