Last year my twentysomething brother told me that our father molested him as a child. I was horrified but not shocked, as our father was physically abusive toward him and often treated me like a romantic partner when I was young. Recently I’ve started to acknowledge my own sexual abuse by my father. I’ve had a hard time with these memories, because I previously tried to deal with them by calling it “emotional abuse.” I’m still trying to find a therapist to speak to about this.
Our parents are divorced, and my mother knows that both of us have cut off contact with our father—but not why. I think I need to tell her at some point, in part because I’ve avoided visiting her out of fear that my father will show up demanding to know why I don’t answer his calls. They live in the same small town, and he has a history of showing up uninvited to confront her.
It will help to have a therapist in place, and at least a few sessions under your belt, before making any decisions. The strange upside to the pandemic in this particular situation is, as you say, that it buys you time to seek support, clarify your goals, and adjust your expectations, so I’d make finding an affordable therapist who regularly treats survivors of child sexual abuse and has a trauma-informed approach your first priority.
If you decide to speak to your mother about your father’s abuse, I hope you do so only when you feel ready to do so, and not because you think you have to in order to explain why you don’t want to come over. I wish your mother was able to acknowledge the abuse you and your brother suffered, to offer a meaningful apology for the ways in which she was unable or unwilling to protect you, and to be a real source of healing and support to you both.